Not Confused
by Whammy
Summary: Quinn is frustrated with her feelings for Rachel. "The life I could have with you, Rach, it's a fantasy."


Summary- Quinn is frustrated with her feelings for Rachel. "The life I could have with you, Rach, it's a fantasy."

I don't own Glee.

* * *

It's not like I was trying to make a mess for myself. Things are hard enough in my life; I'm trying to lose baby weight, reestablish some kind of relationship with my mother, something might be happening with Puck again. Thank God for summer. There's no way I could handle all of this on top of school, Cheerios, and Glee. Glee. Puck. Rachel. Damn it, Rachel.

If anyone had walked up to me nine months ago and told me I'd been crushing on Rachel Berry, I would have told them there was a higher chance of me being Sue and Mr. Shue's love child than loving Manhands. RuPaul. Treasure Trail. Berry. But here we are and I can't stop thinking about her.

I'm confused. And I hate using the term confused to describe myself. Just because I'm having conflicting feelings for both a boy and a girl does not make me confused. I don't care about that. Love can never be wrong when it's so rare to find in the first place. I just don't know what I want. What I should do.

On one hand, there's Puck. He's the hottest guy in Lima, and he stepped up more than I thought he would when I was pregnant. He makes me laugh and we've had to go through so much together. I know he'll always try and take care of me. He thinks he loves me, I know that much. After all we've been through, wouldn't it be stupid not to try? It seems stupid to throw away something I know can be good.

But then there's Rachel. She never would have gotten me drunk of wine coolers and told me she loved me just to have sex with me. I was always worried about her falling for me; I never stopped to consider I could be falling for her. When I feel all alone, she's the one who suddenly texts me and makes me smile. I make her blush when I call her Superstar. She doesn't hate me even though I was an asshole to her for two years. She's sweet and her voice makes me melt.

I don't know why I ever thought Rachel would like me like that. I could be wrong; it could all be in my head. But the thing is, I don't think I am. We've fallen into a weird friendship I never expected this summer. I thought that even though I was moving back in with my mom, I'd stay closer to Mercedes than Rachel. But Mercedes was off doing her own thing and Rachel was always there to talk when I needed someone. Once I could get her to shut up for five minutes, she turned out to be a good listener. Maybe all I need to do was ask. She always wanted to help.

But how can I be with Rachel? Here is this thing with Puck I've had to work for, that I've cried over, that everyone approves of. But he can't be serious unless I beg him to be or he is absolutely forced. He says he wants to be with me, but what happens when he gets bored? And then Rachel. She's neurotic with her gold stars and quest to stardom. But lately, I've been finding these things that I used to find annoying to instead be endearing. It'd be so much harder to be with Rachel, but I think it would be worth it.

This decision sucks no matter what. If I pick Puck, I live with the nagging feelings I have for Rachel and not being able to act upon them. If I pick Rachel, I break his heart and make my life harder by being with a girl. My suburban dreams would have to change. But if it meant being with her, maybe that would be okay.

I have to talk to Rachel about this. Somehow, we've become friends, maybe even best friends this summer. And nothing is going to change with me keeping this all to myself. She'll help me make a decision. If there even is a decision to make that is.

_Are you busy?_

I wait, holding my breath, but not even or a minute.

_I can go over these scales later. Are you okay?_

I bite my lip, considering how to answer. _Not really. Can I come see you?_

_Of course._

My stomach drops because this is becoming very real. But I have to do it now or I'll never do it. I grab my car keys in a hurry and run down the stairs and out the door, yelling that I'm going out to my mom. I start my car and can barely breathe; my stomach is tying itself into a million knots. But I make myself drive the five minutes to Rachel's. I sit in the car for two minutes telling myself it's going to be okay before getting out and knocking on the front door. And there she is, smiling, but concerned, with her arms extended to me. It takes all I have not to crumble in them when I hug her.

"Come on," she says, taking my hand and leading me upstairs to her room. Even though I'm so nervous I could throw up, this comforts me and I start to breathe a little more regularly. She sits down on her bed and so I sit down facing her.

"You're obviously distressed, and I won't rush you into telling me why, but I would just like you to know that I will be here when you are prepared," she says with a small smile that melts me.

"I'm just a little, um, conflicted?"

"With Cheerios and Glee? Because if so, I think- sorry. Go on."

"It's okay. And no, it has nothing to do with school. I just seem to have feelings for," I paused thinking of how to word what I was saying, "two different people. Two very different people."

"Puck and Finn? Because I have been down that road and- I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Puck. But not Finn," I say, not ready to admit what I came to say.

"Then who?" she says and looks at me with those eyes. Those giant brown eyes that are always full of emotion.

"Don't freak out, and no, not Jesse," I say, before she can interrupt.

"Then why would I freak out?"

"Because it's you," I mumble.

"Me?"

"It's always been you Rach," I say, quoting Friends because I'm nervous. She smiles at the mention of her namesake.

"It's okay you know."

I look at her with a confused face because I don't see how it can be. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. So you are confused with your feelings for both Puck and myself?"

"I'm not confused about my feelings. I know those are real. I just don't know what to do about them."

"Well why do you want to be with me? A few months ago, you wouldn't have even said anything civil to me. And I'm not doubting your feelings or upset that you have them, but I think you need to talk it out."

"You're the best person I know," is all I can think of to say. "When I think about being with you, it makes me smile. I have all these dreams of a suburban life, of a house and kids running around, of me and the person I love more than anything in the world. But if I was with you, I'd go to New York. No more Ohio, no more suburbia. Those things, I've wanted them for so long. My parents had the appearance of a perfect family life, but it wasn't real. I want the real thing. And I could still have those things in New York and with you, I'd just have to adjust them a little."

"The life I could have with you, Rach, it's a fantasy. No more being afraid to leave this place because I'm with you. I know I put on this bitch face all the time, but with you I feel safe. Loved. When you are about something, you put your whole heart into it, even if you know you could get scared. You don't let anything stand in the way of your dream. And I think I'm just freaking you out by saying all this."

Rachel shakes her head, but says no words. I have left this girl speechless. I don't especially know what to do, but she squeezes my hand.

"What about Puck?"

"Puck is a good to me. He makes me laugh. He'll always try to take care of me. But, I think deep down he's always going to be that guy who got me drunk on wine coolers on pregnant. And I know you'd never do that to me. Here I am saying all of this stuff and I don't even know if you feel the same way. If you could."

"I think I would very much like to have an apartment with you in New York and keep you safe," she says, pressing her forehead against mine. Her face is so close to mine; all I want to do is kiss her, but she kisses me first. Her lips are warm and soft against mine, she is so careful.

"I don't want to break his heart."

"Do you want to break mine instead?"

I capture her lips with my own to answer her. "Are you gonna stick it out? No matter how hard it gets?"

"I promise I'll never leave you, no matter how hard it gets."

And I know there's no way to know that these decisions we're making at 16 are going to last forever, but for now, it feels like forever is tangible.


End file.
